Today of All Days...

Today's the day we celebrate fathers, and sometimes we give fathers short shrift when compared to mothers (after all, fathers don't carry children in utero for nine months; fathers don't breastfeed or do things that we associate with mothers.) But fathers are no less important. Why else do the fundamentalists of the country espouse (no pun intended) the benefits of having a mother AND a father in the home.

Something I read elsewhere makes me think about fathers, specifically about the mothers who do two jobs, as both mother AND father. I am a product of that. I was raised (and to a point, even though I'm thirty, still am raised) by my mother and grandmother. My grandmother is a tough woman, even now at eighty-two and even with her health problems. She was the nurturing one of the team that reared me. My mother has no patience with me, even now. The two of them did the best they could with me, and there are times that I feel I didn't do the best for them. I haven't failed, but I haven't been as prolific as I think they might have liked. I think most children go through that.

As for my father... he and my mother are the same age, never married, and live in the same state. He and I don't really have a relationship. He felt a distance from my mother that translated into a distance from me. Now, that's not to say that she forced him away; he's a grown man and can make his own choice. It makes it worse, actually, because some truly special fathers out there would not have let their feelings about the other parent influence their devotion to their child. It is made "easier" for him, in that he has an elder daughter, and younger son and a younger daughter, all who lived under him. As I've gotten older, I turned the distance into a full-fledged wall. There have been breaches in the wall, only to go back up. When we see each other it's not unfriendly, but it's not exactly a cakewalk. And now that both my sisters have one child each (my younger sister gave to a girl this year), the pressure is on to produce a male heir (neither me or my brother have children.) This has caused me to want to keep my distance even more as my sexuality starts to come into play. It is fear, plain and simple.

The irony of ironies is that of my three other friends (all four of us male), I have the worst relationship with my father. One friend of mine lost his father when he was quite young, so he never has the chance to repair or damage anything. Another lost his father when he was in college, and as much as they had a good relationship at the time of his father's death, there is so much that will never be shared. A third friend endured years of pain because of his father's treatment of his mother, but now he and his dad have come to a peace and have as good a relationship as you can have. Which leaves me... with a living father and fatherless. Sigh.

I know there are others who do much better than what I've described. I know quite a few, and because they, both male and female, are doing the best they can by their kids, I salute them. I end this entry on a happy note, then... I wish all the fathers out there who may read this a very happy day. Remember as long as you try, you haven't failed. Never stop trying, never stop crying, and we kids will be grateful to you.